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Untying the Knots
by Carolyn Corbett
Departing on a cruise affects your life in every way
~ socially, physically, intellectually, financially,
and emotionally. The decision to go cruising is a journey
of letting go, but doing so is difficult, because the
harsh realities of life do not respect anyone's cruising
itinerary.
Deborah Pfeffer's mother is 89 years old. Deborah
knows her mother could die at any time and she wouldn't
be there. The truth is, so could anyone she loves and
she won't be there. Deborah relies on strong emotional
ties with her family to take the place of her physical
presence. As she was hugged her grandson goodbye for
the 10th time, he said, "Nana, do you have to go?"
"No, I don't have to go," Deborah said. "I
want to go."
Deborah believes she has the best of everything ~
home and all it holds; her husband, Charlie; the islands
of the Caribbean; the wind through Piper's rigging;
and all that is yet to come over the horizon. When she
feels compelled to see her mother, she says she'll find
a way to go.
The challenge we cruisers face lies in examining our
feelings and constructively directing our energies.
Are we prepared to give up the mental security that
the predictability of life ashore offers? If you honestly
answer "yes," you've taken the first step.
Will you be able to handle the emotional void created
by leaving parents and children ashore? A "yes"
here is the next important step. Most couples prepare
loved ones to accept their absence during the same period
of time they spend readying themselves and their boat
for cruising. My husband, Dave, and I initiated frank
discussions with our families before we left home. We
assured our parents and adult children that we would
return as quickly as possible in case of an emergency.
Dave explained honestly that "as quickly as possible"
may mean a week or more.
When the phone call from my mother came, I left the
Bahamas on the first plane possible. After traveling
12 straight hours, I was 150 miles short of home when
my dad died. Do I have trouble dealing with that? You
bet I do. Does it break my heart? It could, but it doesn't.
We had talked about the realities up front and were
secure in our lifelong love for one another. Dad never
wanted me to put my dreams on hold, waiting for him
to die someday.
Relatives need to know what circumstances will bring
a cruiser home ~ Gramma falling and breaking a hip;
a daughter suffering through a divorce; a grandson hospitalized
following a motorcycle accident? The answers will be
different for each cruising couple, but all families
need to realize you will no longer be available to deal
with every kin's day-to-day problems.
Gus and Dolly Maggiore treasure their offspring, but
recognize that what's going to happen will happen, whether
or not they are present. "We love them all,"
Gus said, "but we are not so foolish as to think
they cannot do without us."
Donald and Ruth Bates spent 11 years on a circumnavigation.
They suggest folks who want to participate in every
event in children's and grandchildren's lives had best
forget about long distance cruising.
Baby boomers experience legitimate concern for their
aging parents, but they are enormously inspired by septuagenarian
cruisers, such as Tony and Jane Robinson. The Robinsons
don't worry, because "We are the elderly parents,"
they said.
Cruising is little different from accepting a job
many miles away from your family. Those individuals
rely on the telephone, Internet and airplanes to keep
in touch. Cruisers do the same. We supply our relatives
with detailed information about the best way to contact
us (SSB, Ham, cellular telephone, e-mail, the high seas
operator) and how long making the connection might take.
This relieves a great deal of the ashore and afloat.
Both families were amazed when Dave and I returned their
calls to the Bahamas in less than 15 minutes. My mother
had more trouble contacting me in Minneapolis at the
home of a friend who had changed her number to an unlisted
one.
Our mothers phone each other when one of us calls.
Both are updated, so our overseas phone bills are cut
in half. My relatives have agreed to be responsible
for tracking down the boat if an emergency occurs on
Dave's side and vice versa. This arrangement leaves
the immediate family free to deal with hospitals and
what-have-you at a very stressful time. Crisis situations
have serious financial ramifications, so you have to
figure into a cruising budget the cost of flying home.
Most things in life have a time ~ cruising is one
of them. Deborah Pfeffer found that over a period of
years she unconsciously untied the knots that would
keep her ashore. Casting off to go sailing was a natural
evolution. "My attitude is generally pretty fluid,"
she said, "and that is my greatest ally in the
struggle against guilt."
Melody Ebers believes if you have more than one reason
not to go, you don't really want to cruise ~ you simply
want to dream about it. If you have only one reason
holding you back, you make a decision.
Though we experience emotional turmoil over leaving
family and friends, we hold in our hearts the people
we love, whether they are near or far away. We do not
abandon loved ones while we pursue our dreams: we carry
them in treasured thought and memories. The pain of
separation is a sign of our blessings. A
"I have so much," Deborah said. "I
have everything. I just can't have it all at the same
time."
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